Pain.
For the first time, I physically hurt. My chest feels like a vice grip is clamped from the inside. It feel like I could easily throw up at any moment. It hurts to lose someone you love. I think I'm definitely slow because it's been nearly five months, and there hasn't been a single day as hard as the days leading up to her birthday are.
I wish there were words for what I feel. There really aren't. Those who have lost someone close to them know this heart pain, and others, I hope you never do.
I'm not sure there is much I can do about this, other than get through it. I'm just dealing with each day as it comes. It's much harder because I want Emily to enjoy her birthday. I don't want her to feel sad unless she just does. When I talk about what she wants to do, I have to just ignore that awful sinking feeling and smile at her.
She deserves to be celebrated just as much as Abby is missed.
I took some comfort in being able to watch this little punkin today. He's the son of a lady in my bible study. Baby cuddles just make me smile, no matter what I'm going through.
Our hospice social worker stopped by and brought this little gift. We molded Abby sweet hand when she was sick, and I just got it. It's sort of an Abby gift for me. I miss those little fingers.
It also snowed a little today, which was sweet. Emily and Sarah came home 3 hours early because of the weather. It was extremely ICY! Jeff was going to get Hannah from school for the weekend for Emily's birthday, but his car spun out off the interstate on the ice. Thank God, he didn't hit anything and was able to get back on the road, but it wasn't safe to continue.
He came home, we played, sled down our icy driveway, and had breakfast for dinner. It helped. Laughing some, spending time with my family, and thinking of Abby. All of it helped a little.
As awful as it is to have to celebrate a birthday without our girl, I know we are blessed too. There is a lot of good in our lives, even with the pain.
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