4 months

I wrote a blog the other day, that has disappeared. I think it's been long enough since I complained about the Blogger App to say once again, I am not a fan of App's for blogging. Ugh.

I wrote about where we are at the four month mark since Abigail died.
Four months since we kissed that sweet face or fought over who loved her more as she laughed between us. She always picked a side. Usually it was Daddy's, but every now and again I would win and it was a huge deal.

It feels like she was just here yesterday, and then it also feels like a lifetime has passed since my girl was in my arms. It doesn't seem possible that I could ever survive four months without one of my children. I do survive though, because I have to.

I would say overall, we're doing well. We are all doing what we did before, just with knowing something is missing that will always be missing.

Hannah went back to Pfeiffer, Sarah and Emily to school, and once again we are finding comfort in routine.

This is Emily and Abby's birthday month, which has always been a struggle for me. Every year I relive their birth and the months that followed. It's not always sad, but it is emotional. The babies were due April 27th, but born January 27th. The what-ifs play through my mind. What if they stayed in just a few more weeks?

Our whole lives would have been different. I couldn't love them anymore just the way they are. But loving them as I do, I just can't help but wish they had all the choices in life that every other child had.

The coolest thing about my awesome girls is that they made the most of what they did have. They both laughed every day. Even Abby's last days, she was present and wanting to participate. She wanted to get out of bed every single day. Only the last night was she too sick to play. She was amazing, and so is Emily.

So this year, Emily will turn 15, and Abby will forever be 14. It's just another way we have to leave her behind. We had to remove her from our health insurance, and cancel her well check appointment. Life goes on, and 14 years, 7 months, and 6 days of loving our child will always stay with us.

Thankfully, Emily doesn't want a party. She just wants a family dinner. Abby was my party girl. I think it would break my heart to party without her.

At four months, we are doing what we've always done. We wake up and put one foot in front of the other. I am thankful for the children I have, and the time I had with Abby. I miss her every second, and have an emptiness I'm not sure will ever fill until I see her again. I also have some measure of peace each day. I'm not sure I can ask for more than that.