Carried

"He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young."   Isaiah 40:11

Tomorrow it will be three weeks since Abby got sick and just another day in the hospital.  The constancy of the days after her surgery are wearing on me. 
It seems as though I spend a lot of time counting, but what else is there to do?  I'm counting the days until Abby is better, the minutes until we're home and the time as we fall further away from life as it was. 

Boring Medical Stuff:
Abby has an Ileus, which means that her intestines are sleepy from anesthesia and being moved around so much.  This is fairly common after the Ladds procedure (that corrected the congenital defect). Her g-tube drains her stomach continuously which helps with nausea, but this evening nausea is her biggest problem.  I'm not sure, but I think this is a good thing.  Maybe her tummy is beginning to work again?  Her tube is draining  a ton (250-300cc q 8 for my medical friends).  All of this means that we can't even begin to try feeding until this ileus resolves. 

She's still on TPN, because she's not eating anything.  Her Femoral line will be a race to the finish.  We have to get feedings started to wean down the TPN.  We were told the femoral line would be good for about 7-10 days, and it's 10 days old tomorrow.  It's holding up, but there's a little redness around the insertion site that we noticed yesterday.  It increased a little today and one of the lumen's clotted off for the second time last night.  They put TPA (a clot buster) in it, which worked for the second time.  It can be left in as long as it's healthy, so we're all holding our breath to see if she's able to tolerate any feedings before the line goes.  If she tolerates any food through the tube, they can run peripheral TPN until we catch up.  If not we need to consider a central line with talk of home based TPN if her belly decides to be even more difficult than it has been.  It really could take several weeks to work up to the formula volume she needs because she wasn't eating for so long before her surgery and had very little intestinal activity to begin with. 

I really like a plan and my little Abby Grace is totally not going according to plan.

Tired Mama, sick little Abby

Done with medical :)

Many people have asked about the other girls.  They are doing alright.  It's hard on all of us. 

Hannah has been very helpful, but I'm sure she'll be glad when I'm there to do what I always do, and I'm sure she'll appreciate exactly what that is more too.  She's a good kid. Watching her become the woman God created from the girl I've raised is a treasure I'll always hold dear. 

Emily is doing much better with Grandma there to fill in the gap.  She needs that consistency and someone to watch her health closely also.  She needs a lot of reassurance and she getting it now.  I miss her, but I know she's alright and that's all that matters right now.

My sweet Sarah called me in tears tonight.  She just wanted to know when things would be normal again.  I could completely relate to my girl.  I want to know too.  "I just want you and Abby home, mom."  She cried tears that I can't.  I just can't even let myself think about home when I have to have my whole heart here in this room with Abby. 

It's funny how the heart of a mother can immediately be completely consumed by the distress of her child.  In that phone conversation, all of me was with Sarah.  For just a few minutes, I listened to her cry and did what I could to make it better without being able to put my arms around her.  She's only 10 years old, so three weeks away from Mama is a long time.  Sarah, when your older and you read this, I hope you know 3 weeks away from my sweet Sarah is a very long time for me too.   I've prayed for you everyday as God shapes your little heart through this trial, just as He's shaping mine.  I trust Him with you when I am not.  I hope you do too!

Obviously, this is a difficult time for us.  Knowing that Abby is going to be fine and this will eventually pass is helpful, but it still feels like a distant dream.  It's coming more clearly into focus, but not there yet. 

Abby and Daddy resting

It's very difficult to be purposefully and positively faithful when all I can feel is tired.  I took a walk today while Jeff sat with Abby.  I feel like a slug in this room.  I barely move except to care for Abby.  I saw the trees swaying in the wind from our window and suddenly understood why prisoners run.  I just had to get out of here.  Thankfully I could. 

I keep thinking of Paul in prison.  Writing letters to the churches and staying faithful in prayer and encouragement of others.  He didn't know his fate, and yet he was solely focused on what God was doing through him.  I am reasonably sure that I'm leaving this hospital alive with Abby and I struggle to focus on faith. 

I'm no Paul, of course, and my faith is always with me, but I would love to get to the place personally where even exhausted and afraid, I would decrease that He might increase.  Instead, I find myself focusing on my loss and praying for a glimpse at God's plan for us. I've said it before, but it bears repeating: faith can be very hard work.

Tonight, I am going to bed thinking about the words of Isaiah:  "He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart."  Oh, I hope so.

Sometimes friends, faith is about the road we walk, sometimes it's about allowing ourselves to be carried.