Grateful and Sad

Abby got lobby privileges yesterday.  I thought she would enjoy a few minutes off the unit since she'll be here for several days after her surgery, but she didn't like it much.  She felt really good before she went down and then she got nauseated.  She came back to the room and needed pain medicine.  I was disappointed it didn't go better.  I think I just keep hoping she's going to suddenly look like my Abby, and she doesn't. 



Abby in the Disney Lobby



We've been here for two weeks now.  It seems like forever and yesterday at the same time. 

When we found our answer to Abby's problem I was so relieved.  I still am, but I'm also concerned. 

I feel so many things tonight as Abby falls asleep on her tummy for the last time.  This time tomorrow night she will have a tube sticking out her belly.  I feel a strange mix of gratefulness and sadness. 

I'm so thankful my girl is on the road to getting better.  She really needs this tube and God certainly answered my prayer to make it abundantly clear.  She obviously needs surgery for the congenital problem, so I'm thankful she has something that can be corrected.  I'm very thankful we're in a hospital where Abby is getting such good care.

I'm also sad.  I'm sad that our lives have changed yet again in a single day.  I'm sad that she won't eat and needs a tube to stay alive.  My heart hurts because my little girl hurts.  Abby and I are both tired and weary.  It's been a hard road. 

From the moment my stubborn, sweet, precious, Abby came in to the world, she's traveled a hard road.  Life isn't even close to easy and it's even further from what I think is fair.  I used to wonder how a powerful, loving God could allow any of his children to suffer.  How is this possibly love? 

The honest answer is I don't understand it.  I have no idea.  But I believe with my life, and the life of my daughter that God knows what I don't and loves in ways I can't comprehend.  I believe that He loves Abby in ways I am incapable of loving her. 

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” - Isaiah 55:8-9

Tomorrow, with tears in my eyes I will gently place my sleeping daughter not in the arms of a doctor, but in the arms of her God, believing He will gently place her back into my arms exactly the way He wants her to be.  I will trust that whatever the day brings, His love will never fail.