Words

"I may not long for death, but I surely long for Heaven"- Joseph Bayly

There are days when I still miss the sound of my daughters' voices. It's crazy to miss something so much that I've never had. When the girls were little, it bothered me a lot that they couldn't talk to us. Usually at this point, life moves on without so much sadness and regret for what simply isn't, but every now and again it creeps in.

It began as I read a blog over the last few weeks of a family whose beloved son was dying of cancer. So many of the thoughts and emotions his parents experienced mirrored my own as my child agonizingly slipped away. They had something I didn't, though. His words. He spoke to them about death and Heaven, fears and joys and letting go. So often during Abby's journey I wished I could speak to her and understand what she felt. I wished she had a voice in the last days instead of my guess. Hearing the words of this young man, and the comfort it brought to his family, made me feel a little envious of that gift.

It intensified last night as I cuddled with Emily. She was trying so hard to tell me something.
"ma" (more)
Do you want to tell me about a person?
"Ya"
Is it someone in our house?
"Uh-uh"
Is it someone at school?
"Uh-uh"
Is it your nurse?
"Uh-uh"
Give me a minute to think.
The dog?
"Uh-uh"
Give me another minute.
"Ma"
You still need to tell me something?
"Ya"
About a person?
"Ya"
Is it about you?
"Uh-uh" (beginning to get upset)
Do you want your computer? (This takes several minutes to set up, and Emily was already in bed)
"Uh-uh" (starts to cry)
Okay, sweetie, lets take a break while mommy tries to figure this out. She calms down, and I leave her room because I can't bear the look at her face. Frustrated disappointment.

She knows exactly what she wants to say, and can't. How awful must that be for her?

I can't tell you how many times I have been overwhelmingly grateful for the few words my kids do have. I know many parents who would give their right arm for 5 little words from their child. We ARE blessed to hear Emily and Abby's voices, but that doesn't mean that the frustration we all feel from not being able to communicate isn't a daily challenge.

As I was falling asleep last night, I thought of Abby in Heaven. I'm sure she's talking and singing. She will never again know the frustration of those around her not understanding her. I thought how one day, I will be in Heaven too, and there will be my daughter. And she will speak to me, and I will hear her voice for the first time. I imagine her words, and tear up. I hope she simply says "hi, mommy".

I do long for Heaven.


 

Thinking of Abby girl

I've been thinking of Abby for a few days. It's strange how thoughts of her pop in my brain from nowhere and everywhere.

I saw twins girls with brown hair laughing together in the mall. They were about 6, I'd guess, and they were adorable, but I had to look away. I'm sad that my twin is now twinless. I'm sad that when I say "I have four daughters" it's with an ache in my chest, or even worse, when I say it and don't catch it until later.

Last week at the grocery store, I reached for one of her favorite foods. She hasn't eaten in two years, so I can't imagine why I automatically grabbed mandarin oranges, but I noticed they were in my hand and had to place them back on the shelf. If anyone else in my house would have eaten them, I would have kept them simply to not have to force my hand to let go.

A few days ago, I could have sworn I heard her cry out, and actually turned to go to her before I remembered that she wasn't there. I don't listen for the hum of the nursery monitor anymore, and it's been months since I felt like I was constantly forgetting something, but she's still there all the time too. She's a part of who I am. Loving her and being loved by her will always be one of the four most precious gifts in my life.

I watched videos of her tonight for a while. I was so lonely for her, I thought I'd feel better to see her, but I didn't. At least not in the way I thought I would. She was so sick for so long that clip after clip of stopping the video because she was too ill to continue is all I had. I still saw her amazing smile and brave heart there, but never pure Abby. It helped me to remember that as much as I miss her, she is safe and well in the arms of Jesus. No matter how much I wanted that to be true in my arms, it simply wasn't. She isn't in pain anymore, and I can't make my sorrow from her absence even come close to my gratefulness for the peace I know she has now.

As hard as this is, I am so thankful that I know where Abby is. I know that she is walking, talking, running, and singing. She only knows love and joy. Our loss is definitely her gain!

I love that little face!




I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. Romans 8:18-19(niv)

Btw, I think Emily has pink eye. She came home from school with a swollen, draining eye. SO gross. We have a drs appt in the morning :/


 

Orphans

I did not write this post! I copied here, but I would love for you to click her blog {http://www.nogreaterjoymom.com/2013/02/rise-up-church.html} because there are several resource links there. Being the mom of special needs children, I can't help feeling a burden for those in need. They are here in this country too. There are homes that house disabled children. We should all be concerned and broken for these babies. I know I've talked about struggle and heartbreak on this blog. That is because I dreamed a different life for myself and the girls. Not because of their disabilities. I love the people God made my children to be, and trust me, if all of our inside brokenness showed on the outside, we wouldn't look so appealing to most people. I love that this women points out that we are not all called to adopt. But maybe one reader does feel that tug on the heart that saves one child. Maybe someone feels led to contribute in another way.

I'm not even sure what I am called to do with this issue, but I see the faces of these children everyday in my own children, and pray you see them too!

“We know only too well that what we are doing is nothing more than a drop in the ocean. But if the drop were not there, the ocean would be missing something.”
― Mother Teresa


"I have had such a burden on my heart.

It's impossible to travel overseas...

...see the conditions precious children are living in...

...and walk away feeling like you haven't failed every single one you are leaving behind.

It's one of the toughest parts of adoption. I look at my six adopted children and my heart is so absolutely thankful that they are here with us. But I ache for the ones we left behind. Knowing where they are changes everything.

Yes, adoption truly does make a difference in the lives of children (and every Christian should prayerfully ask the Father if they are to adopt or foster--and yes, sometimes the answer is no because not everyone is called to do it!), but let's be realistic for a minute.

We live in a fallen world. That means that no matter how hard we try, no matter how desperately we advocate, there will always be orphans...until that glorious day that Jesus returns to the earth to make all things right. Goodness, I cannot wait for that day!

Since coming back from Bulgaria, I have been thinking about this so much. The burden on my heart is so, so heavy.

THE CHURCH!

A song from Casting Crowns has played over and over in my mind over the past few days.

"But if we are the body,
Why aren't His arms reaching?
Why aren't His hands healing?
Why aren't His words teaching?
And if we are the body
Why aren't His feet going?"

Where is the church?

Out of curiosity, last week I asked my friends on Facebook how many of their churches had an orphan ministry.

I cried reading some of the responses. Many said no. Some said that their churches were not even open to the idea of having an orphan ministry.

Oh, God in heaven!

How can it be that our churches are consumed with every ministry under heaven and earth--craft ministries, motorcycle ministries, old people ministries, young people ministries, men's breakfasts and women's breakfasts, every kind of social gathering known to man--but NOTHING to do with the requirement God gave us to care for the orphan!?

It seriously breaks my heart.

Now before I get hate mail, I am not for one single second saying that all those other ministries don't have a place in the body of Christ. Of course they do! We're created to live in community with others and church ministries are a fabulous way for believers to spend time loving on one another and encouraging one another. It's a good thing!

BUT...

What's sad to me is that all those ministries so often seem to take preference over "caring for the fatherless" which we are told to do in the book of James. Plus, we consume ourselves with building funds, more comfortable chairs to sit on each Sunday (when the ones we already have are quite fine!), new equipment in the church kitchen, and a remodeled foyer...

When today nearly 30,000 people will die of extreme poverty. And we won't hear a single word about it.

Today more than 160 million orphans will live in appalling, filthy conditions and go to bed hungry [again]. And we won't hear a single word about that either.

"But if we are the body....."

I have said it so many times here on my blog, and today I will say it again...

The world is not called to care for the orphan! God never told those who do not walk in His ways that caring for the fatherless is pure religion. He gave the job to US...those of us who confess with our mouths that Jesus Christ is the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. He commanded us to care.

By adopting.

By fostering.

By going to nations across the globe and giving of our time to little children who would desperately love someone to come and love on them or play a game of soccer with them.

By giving financially to those who have stepped out in faith to bring children home and are trusting for every penny they need to pay the ransom.

By supporting adoptive and foster parents--making a meal, babysitting so that mom and dad can have a date night, taking the kids on a fun day out. Anything!

By supporting missionaries who have answered the call to go and are living in faraway lands taking care of God's precious abandoned children.

By sponsoring a child through World Vision or Compassion International.

By starting a ministry specifically to people who have special needs in your faith community. I recently read my friend and fellow adoptive mom-to-many-children-with-needs, Meredith Cornish's, thoughts on this issue and it totally brought tears to my eyes. We get it! We understand how hard it is to find a Church where our children are catered to. It's a terribly lonely place as a parent. Sadly, too many parents like us find themselves in a position where it is just easier to stay at home. It's sad, really--a desperate need.

There are so many ways to care, to help, to serve, and to love.

But it has to begin with us--the bride of Christ--His hands and feet on the earth!

The glorious church.

It has to start with you and me.

What if we all did SOMETHING to make a small difference in the humanitarian crisis that is the orphan problem in the world today?

What if God was calling you to start an orphan care ministry in your own church? I know that so many people sit in the churches that do not have any ministry to orphans and they wonder, "Should we start one?" "Could we pull it off?"

You know what? That may just be GOD planting a seed in your heart.

DO IT!

Don't wait for God to move on someone else's heart when He has already put it on yours!

The question that many ask is, "How?"

"How do we start a ministry in our church?"

"Where do we find resources?"

It's hard to know where to find resources, information, and support about starting an orphan ministry. So to make things easier for those who are looking for the right resources and a place to start, I thought I would open this post up to those of you who already have a vibrant orphan ministry in your church and know of church resources which would benefit the many who have it on their hearts to get one happening in their congregations but need a helping hand in starting a ministry.

I hope that this will become a great resource to those who so desperately long to get something happening in their churches but perhaps just don't know where to start. I hope it will be a place to connect.

Can you even imagine the profound difference we could make if every single church in this country did something to care for orphans? We may not be able to rescue 163 million orphans and bring them into loving families, but we sure can do our best to make a difference in the life of one at a time.

If your church has an amazing orphan ministry, please go ahead and add your website (the adoption page) to the linky below. That way those who have it on their hearts can go and read about what you do and how you do it. Also, if you know of a ministry that helps churches start orphan ministries by supplying resources and by giving support, please add the link below too. Please add any ministry that you believe will assist churches in their mission to establish an orphan care ministry in their congregations. Please also feel free to leave your ideas/experiences in church orphan care ministries in the comments.

If you are reading this on Facebook and have a resource/idea to share, would you please leave your comment on this blog post and not on FB--I know that many who read here are not on FB and may love to read your thoughts on this subject. Thanks!"


 

Date nights

Sometimes, I'm amazed that my children are so big. I look around and wonder where all that time went.

Emily just had her 15 year check up. How is that possible? She finally made it on the growth chart for height at 60" tall (her 6'5" daddy genes helped there, I'm sure). She's also a giant 66 pounds. If she didn't have CP, she would be getting her learners permit! From 7-12 years old, she had a power chair that she drove with her head...until she crashed it through the TV. :). That's the only reason I'm not super upset about the driving thing. She's a little reckless.

Anyway, all this growing has me thinking of when the kids were little. There were many, many years, that Jeff and I didn't have any help. It's extremely difficult to find someone to care for two kids with CP.

That was a situation that wasn't going to change, so we had to find ways to care for our marriage and each other when circumstances weren't going to help us out.

Here are some of the things we did:

1. Adults only dinners. As often as possible, or at least once every other week, I fed the kids a quick, easy dinner and got the girls to bed early. This was actually hardest with Hannah because she was older and wanted to stay up. She just had to stay in her room during "date night". I made a special dinner, and sat at home on a date with my hubs.

2. Movie night. Same principle as above, without the kitchen cleanup. We snacked on Chilli's take out nachos, banned the kids from the living room. The ONLY reason to bother us was fire. If nothing is on fire, stay in bed.

3. Every now and then, Jeff and I got hooked on the same TV series. That sounds like a little thing, but when your kids could easily swallow you whole, an hour of unplanned time on the couch with my guy was a blessing. Hold hands!

4. Crossword puzzles. This is silly, but I loved just laying on the bed while the kids played, doing a crossword puzzle together. We're both goofy, so we laughed a lot.

5. Prayer, devotions, or going over Sunday sermons. This one is my favorite, and I wish I could say we did this daily, but we didn't. We seemed to find time in the morning going over what we each were learning, or thinking about. We said quick prayers for each other after kids went to school and before Jeff left for work. I wish I took the time to be more structured with this. Some of the 10 minute conversations we had on those mornings are the ones I remember most.

6. We lived in Florida for 10 years, so late night swims come to mind. Swimming in our pool without kids and dogs splashing our faces was relaxing. This one is my least favorite, because of pool chlorine and having to dry off, blah, blah, blah. It was important because Jeff liked it, and there are always a million excuses not to do something. Once in a while, I can actually stop being a baby :)

7. Trade time. We tried really hard to watch the kids for each other so we could leave the house some. Once a year, Jeff kept the girls for my women's retreat at church, and I kept them for his baseball trip. It's a huge amount of work to take care of them alone, so it was a gift. We also tried to say yes, when possible, to little things throughout the year. That's only possible if you're flexible. I might have said "sure" to a concert for Jeff, but had sick kids when it came. We each had to be willing to change our plans for the kids.

8. Recognize when we're about to lose it. Over the years, we learned the cues that we were going to blow a gasket if we stayed in that house one more second. Many times, I told Jeff to go to a movie, or he would take the girls to walk around the mall and leave me alone for a while. Even though we weren't together, this was still marriage care.

9. Recognize that there are seasons. The last 3 years, we spent copious amounts of time in the hospital with sick little ones. There were no movies, TV shows, or crossword puzzles. We were worried, scared and hurting. On days like that, we held hands. We held our child. We took a walk OUTSIDE of the hospital room. We had a quick meal in the cafeteria together if we could. We prayed, talked, cried, and made decisions. We forgave each other quickly, and often. We held on.

10. Take the help! For goodness sakes, if some precious soul offers to take your children for a few hours...give them away! I adore my girls, but my husband is important too. When we had help we took it. Jeff's parents kept our kids often when they were in town. When we had a good helper, we went out and did things together. Many times it wasn't possible, but if it was...I was outa there. I am a better wife and mom when I have a little time away :)


 

My sweets heart

2 years ago today, I packed Abby up for school the last time. Of course, I wouldn't have known she would never go again, but I clearly remember putting the plastic sandwich baggy with Abby-signed valentines in her backpack. A few days later, I would take her to the hospital where she stayed for 5 weeks.

Abby in the hospital lobby before her surgery.

The rest, is history.

Yesterday, I had a hard day.  I thought of Abby all day, and it took me a while to connect the dots.  I missed my sweetheart. 

Today, I spoke about how much God loves us.  I've spent much of today thinking of the many times in my life that love didn't make sense.  I thought of the days when I wanted so much more than I seemed to find.  I thought of the hurts and heartaches, but also the days that were joyful and hopeful.  I think the days of knowing how blessed I am are far greater than the hurts. 

I love this song!  It's been on my mind all day today. 

The pain of this life is going to come whether one believes in God or not.  There is peace and comfort that comes with knowing that God is good all the time, even when I don't understand.   His truth and His word stand, and when I fall, it picks me up again.

When the healing didn't come in the way I hoped it would, God is still love.  When relationships disappoint, He is perfect love.  When hearts break, He is healing love.  When it all falls apart, He is restoring love.  When I am at the end of me, He is enduring love. When death comes to a human frame, He is eternal love. 

As much as I loved Abby, I still can not love her the way He does.  I know that I can trust Him with my Sweet's heart. 


 

Randoms

~ Randoms are my favorite posts. I definitely prefer to write when it doesn't have to resemble cohesive thoughts.

~ I've started going to the gym. 5 days last week. Several Zumba classes, cardio workouts, and weight lifting sessions are behind me. Literally, behind me apparently. I've gained two pounds. TWO pounds. Jeff has lost 17 because he gave up sodas. Unfair. :/ If anyone even thinks of telling me that muscle weighs more than fat, I will hunt you down and eat you.

~ I'm not as sore as I thought I would be from said exercise. My eyelashes do not hurt. My toes feel fine. My hair follicles haven't screamed yet. Overall, I feel good. I miss running.

~ I had dinner this week with a wonderful friend from Florida. I miss my Florida girls everyday. I have no idea why anyone would schedule a conference in Greensboro, but I'm glad they did. It brought my friend here. Rita is a sewing genius (along with Amy) and they are making bibs--I almost said for the girls--but I guess for Emily. I am very excited about this because I am not a sew-genius. I am blessed with awesome people in my life :)

~ Glory is still a rotten dog, but she makes me laugh. She survived a year with us now. Brave girl. She ran up to me yesterday with a dead mouse in her mouth. Gross.





~ Ravens won!!!!!





~ Emily is making an apron in home-ec. She is very excited and chose this owl fabric. So cute!




~ I was asked to tell my story at bible study tomorrow. I'm looking forward to that. I have about 22.4 minutes to speak. I love being able to share this journey, but it's challenging to fit all that I'd like to share in that time. God will have to direct that path.

~ taxes are not fun. I had to check the box that said Abby passed away this year. I really hate that.

"Tell Us a Bit More About Abigail
How many months did Abigail live with you in 2012? How do I count?
Let us know if any of these apply to Abigail:
Disabled
Passed away in 2012
None of these apply

We're sorry for your loss. If this person passed away while living with you or was away during a temporary absence, you are entitled to a deduction for the full year. Choose 'The whole year' in the question above, regardless of the date this person passed away."

~ I miss that girl of mine more than words can say. I find myself stopping at in the middle of the day just to think of her. I can't wait to see her again.

~ I love Rick Castle. He is my TV boyfriend.





~ Emily doesn't feel good today. I think she's trying to get a cold. She's had an amazing winter. I can't remember the last time she's gone so long without being sick. I think God must know we really needed a break. Hopefully a cold is just a cold.

~ I made thisBreakfast casserole in the slow cooker for bible study tomorrow. I'm not sure how it will be, but it looks really good!







~ Happy Randoms!


 

Does she know?

The number one question I've been asked since Abby died is "does Emily understand that Abby is gone?"

The answer is an easy yes! Absolutely.

We've spoken with her numerous times over the years about death and Heaven. I never wanted my girls to be afraid. Because they are at greater risk than the general population, I wanted them to be as prepared as possible.

Although its not the same, Emily also experienced the sudden death of her beloved service dog, Bindy, when she was 8. I remember explaining how Bindy ran away during a storm. She laughed and giggled as I told her how we searched through the night and even had the police looking for her. Then I told her that Bindy was found at 2:30 am, and that sadly she had been hit by a car. She couldn't come home.

Emily's face changed slowly as I literally watched her brain process the words I said. Then the pain of the loss washed over her, and she sobbed in a way I've never seen before.

She understands.

Preparing her for Abby's death was tricky. I didn't want to mention Cerebral Palsy or anything that could scare Emily about her own mortality. I wanted to be sure that she understood that Abby's issues were very specific to her. We used Bindy as an example many times. Emily understood this and was sad, but not shocked. Like the rest of us, she knew how sick Abby was.

When she came home this week with an assignment she started at school with her speech therapist, I realized exactly how much my girl knows.

Question- Tell me about a person, event or trip that taught you something
Emily (on her computer)- I have a twin sister named Abby.

Q-What did you learn from Abby?
E-  Happy

Q-How did Abby teach you to be happy?
E- Mall and Love. 
She later expanded this to say Abby loved the mall and she loved Emily.

Q-How did Abby feel most of the time?
E-  Sick. 

Q-  Is there anything she liked to do even though she felt sick?
E-  Bake.

Q-  It's important because she felt sick and still wanted to go to the mall and bake.  How do you feel sometimes?
E-  Yucky.
Can you give another word?
E-  Weak.

I feel weak. 

Me too Emily. 

She understands.

5 months