Thinking of Abby girl

I've been thinking of Abby for a few days. It's strange how thoughts of her pop in my brain from nowhere and everywhere.

I saw twins girls with brown hair laughing together in the mall. They were about 6, I'd guess, and they were adorable, but I had to look away. I'm sad that my twin is now twinless. I'm sad that when I say "I have four daughters" it's with an ache in my chest, or even worse, when I say it and don't catch it until later.

Last week at the grocery store, I reached for one of her favorite foods. She hasn't eaten in two years, so I can't imagine why I automatically grabbed mandarin oranges, but I noticed they were in my hand and had to place them back on the shelf. If anyone else in my house would have eaten them, I would have kept them simply to not have to force my hand to let go.

A few days ago, I could have sworn I heard her cry out, and actually turned to go to her before I remembered that she wasn't there. I don't listen for the hum of the nursery monitor anymore, and it's been months since I felt like I was constantly forgetting something, but she's still there all the time too. She's a part of who I am. Loving her and being loved by her will always be one of the four most precious gifts in my life.

I watched videos of her tonight for a while. I was so lonely for her, I thought I'd feel better to see her, but I didn't. At least not in the way I thought I would. She was so sick for so long that clip after clip of stopping the video because she was too ill to continue is all I had. I still saw her amazing smile and brave heart there, but never pure Abby. It helped me to remember that as much as I miss her, she is safe and well in the arms of Jesus. No matter how much I wanted that to be true in my arms, it simply wasn't. She isn't in pain anymore, and I can't make my sorrow from her absence even come close to my gratefulness for the peace I know she has now.

As hard as this is, I am so thankful that I know where Abby is. I know that she is walking, talking, running, and singing. She only knows love and joy. Our loss is definitely her gain!

I love that little face!




I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. Romans 8:18-19(niv)

Btw, I think Emily has pink eye. She came home from school with a swollen, draining eye. SO gross. We have a drs appt in the morning :/