3 weeks

Today is our three week mark here in the hospital.  I haven't counted the days like I did last time, but apparently somewhere in me, there is a 3 week wall that I hit.  It gets so much harder, lonelier, scarier to be here.  I just feel upset about it.  The night nurse waking me up at 3am to ask if she could put a humpty dumpty safety sticker on Abby didn't help with the whole feeling upset thing.  :)

Abby woke frequently through the night and was really cranky this morning, but generally had a good day.  Her line dressing change was due for the first time since Sunday.  It was pretty rough on her; it's still much better, but VERY painful.  It's hard to tell what's underneath the surface, which is still red and scabbed, so she'll stay on IV antibiotics a while longer.  The skin around the original Broviac site is a little soft which could mean it's deeper than we can see.  Please continue to pray for her with this.  I can take a lot, but watching her cry in pain almost destroys me. 

She handled her feedings relatively well and almost on time.  She was pretty sick by bedtime, but otherwise got through the day without too much trouble.  Child life came in this morning and told me they were offering the mom's free facials.  I was excited about it for a lot of reasons.  Getting out of her room for 30 minutes; doing something purely for me for a bit sounded delicious, and I thought it was a nice little gift from God as I didn't want to spend a 22nd day in this room.  I chose the 3:30 time because I was sure I'd be done with Dr.'s rounds and have Abby settled by then. 

That's why I got a call around 1:30pm telling me Emily's J-tube was clogged and they couldn't get her feeds to run.  I tracked down the Dr about what to do.  Apparently, meat tenderizer and Cola in the tube can break up the blockage.  I had to leave Abby and run home to deal with the problem.  Thankfully, I was able to get the tube running again, but ended up being really concerned that she wasn't getting the level of care she needed.  I don't think my caregiver realized how specific her care was.  I spent some time re-organizing her room and making signs with instructions for her care all over the house.  I also gave her a shower and cleaned up her new tube because it looked a little red.  She had a 100.6 fever when I got home too. :( 

I gave extra water through her tube for hydration, and between that and a nice warm shower she seemed to feel a little better.  Her temp was 99.8 when I left.  She's doing really well, but she's very fragile too.  She requires a lot of care.  I'm so torn between wanting to be there and knowing that Abby needs me too.  I'm doing the best I can, but it never feels right.  The tears from Sarah who didn't want me to leave didn't help either. 

I missed my facial, but still didn't spend the whole day here at the hospital, so I guess in some weird way, that's good.

I've been getting TONS of information on a daily basis.  What theory each Dr/nurse/specialist thinks may be wrong with Abby.  I got an email tonight from a family member packed with alternative things I should consider giving Abby.  It's not that I don't appreciate it, but I feel a little overwhelmed with all the information.  Then I feel guilty if I don't at least try anything that I don't think would harm her.  Then I just feel tired and don't want to do anything.

Tonight, I was praying for wisdom.  I need serious discernment about what's best for Abby, but I also need confidence to follow through with what I believe she needs.   I need confidence to follow through with what I believe God is doing in our lives.  As I left my house this afternoon from my unexpected visit, I noticed a sharpie on my desk.  I wasn't sure why, but I grabbed it and threw it in my bag.   As I prayed this evening, I felt the Lord say "scripture" (I LOVE instant answers to prayer!!).  I'm hearing so many voices, listening to so many people that the word of God is fading into the background.  I am breaking that Sharpie out and taping scripture all over this room. 

So if you will, leave me a verse.  Speak His words to my heart and your own.  Help me to focus on what's important and glorify Him to everyone who walks in this room.   I want to hear His voice!  I pray that every time I feel discouraged or alone I will look around this room and know that He is with me. 

If I sit here 3 more days or 3 more months, I am going to be surrounded by the only word that hold any truth in this world.