good

So many things are going through my head tonight; filling my heart. 

Emily went home today.  I was looking forward to it and felt ready for it, but when the doctor cleared her, I experienced an unexpected wave of sadness.  I certainly don't want her here, but being able to see her and take care of her every day was comforting.  I didn't want to be away from her.  I didn't want to trust others to care for her.  I wanted to hear her laugh and see her get better everyday.  I want to watch for any sign that she's not.  I can't do any of those things, so I packed my baby up, and dropped her off at home. 

After a quick tutorial on her new schedule, tube, and meds I kissed her smiley face as her dog settled in faithfully on her feet and left her.  Who in the world brings their child home from the hospital and leaves them with a baby sitter?  Mothers who have left another child in the hospital, that's who. 

I came back to a very nauseated Abby and a heavy heart.  My sweet girl is having a rough time.  Her line is better, but her tummy is worse than ever.  She's mostly supported by TPN, taking in a few feedings everyday.  The doctors are all trying to help her, but there are very few options for what she's dealing with.  Today was the first time the doctor mentioned the possibility of her not making it through this--not this particular hospital stay, but eventually something else will happen that she can't fight. 

Honestly, I knew this, but hearing it was hard.  I have mixed emotions about all of it.  I want her here.  She is my daughter...I have loved her since before she was born, since the moment I knew she was coming.  I have grieved her, held her, and given her all I've had to give.  Yet, with the same intense love, I can't stand to watch her suffer.  Sometimes I pray that God would take her quickly if she's not going to get better.  I don't want her to live for years so sick. 

I watch cars go by, people walking around, the world moving forward and wonder if anyone else is wondering if their child is going to live or die.  I wonder if they understand how fragile it all is.  So much of my girl died many years ago.  I can not willingly let go of more.  I just can't.  And the bottom line is that today she is here, and I have to figure out what's best for her in the moment we're in. 

I have to move this family.  We really need a lot of prayer about this entire process.  I just can not believe that all of this does not work together for our good.  Nor can I understand how I will be able to bring my family back together again.  I have to continuously trust the same God who knew my child before she was formed in me to carry us through. 

I keep thinking of the question I posted a while ago, what if I woke up tomorrow with only what I've thanked God for today?  I would wake up without so many big problems.  I would wake up without a sick child.  I haven't thanked God for this, I can't even imagine it.  But that made me think, if I really trust Him...really believe Him...really understand his promises to me and my girls, would I not thank him for even my troubles?  Would I not praise Him for loving me enough to teach me?  Without all of this, without what I'm feeling right now, how could I know the immeasurable gifts of grace or mercy; or how very deep our God given capacity to love could be?

God is good in every single situation.  I am grateful, confused, and yes, saddened.  But God is good.  All the time.