Desperate

That's how I feel.  Sad, weighed down, desperate for good news. 

People ask me about Abby all the time and with each response I long to say "she's great"!  I would even take "she's recovering".  The truth is, I just don't know how she is. 

She has a fever again.  102.9.  I called the Dr. and told him that I didn't want to bring her in again for powerful antibiotics that she doesn't need, especially because of her white blood cell count last time and the reaction to the Vancomycin.  The danger, of course, is the possibility that she really needs powerful antibiotics and she's home with us. 

It's been exactly two weeks since we were in this exact same place.  The Dr. said we could try to bring the fever down at home and bring her in if she gets worse.  It's been 8 hours and it hasn't dropped to less than 101.9.  We'll see how tonight goes.  I would not be at all surprised if tomorrow greets me with a trip to the hospital.  Our bags are packed and waiting by the front door, a drill we have sadly become accustomed to. 

She looks so bad.  She's pale and feverish.  I just want it to stop.  I want to stop worrying about her. 

Jeff has been here since Wednesday and we have all relaxed a little.  It's the longest time we've had together in our own home for more than a year.  It's been so nice, but always lurking is the feeling that we're stealing time. 

He leaves tomorrow and I will have to handle all of this. 

There are really no words to express how desperately I do not want to do this again.  I am so tired of the hospital.  More than actually being there is the constant threat of being there.  Everyday she stays home is a day we've worked hard to keep her here, and God in His mercy has allowed it.  I haven't started a single day in almost a year that hasn't included some sort of mental planning for the possibility of Emily or Abby being in the hospital. 

I'm just praying tonight.  Praying God would show me whatever it is He's trying to teach me in this trial.  Praying for wisdom to know when to take her to the hospital and when to stay home; praying for this desperate dread I feel to somehow ease a bit.