still sick

Another long night of high fevers for Abigail. 

I've been thinking a lot about viruses, fevers, and Abby tonight.  I was wondering why I keep hoping she has something other than a  virus.  I certainly don't want a bacterial infection.  I think it's just that I'd like to be able to do something to help her, and there is nothing to do for a virus except treat the fever.  She's so scary when she's sick.  The feeling of being completely helpless is really what I don't like. 

Last night Abby's fever was 104.2 two hours before she was due for Motrin.  She laid on her bed, grey and shivering, making little moaning sounds, her hands and feet freezing; it was all I could do not to snatch her up and rush her to the hospital.  Instead, I gave Tylenol in between which helped some.  She came down to 103.6, then 102.6.  She's stayed around there even with fever meds all night.  I'm sure she's dehydrating some now, complicating the fever.  Her IV fluids at home only run at 45, so it's not really enough to keep up with high fevers for several days. 

My plan is to take her back to the ER today for some extra IV fluids, and to have her reevaluated. I need to make sure her white count is still low. If it's the same picture, I want to bring her home again.  They were right, she's better here.  My plans, of course mean very little.  Hopefully, we should be through the worst of it

I want to handle a little virus at home like everyone else does.  I'm just so scared it's something else.  My mind races out of control, which is not at all where God wants us to be. 

I really struggle, not with trusting God's plan for our lives or with having faith in who He is, but in knowing that He allows us to go through so much sometimes.  I know that even with a little virus, there is purpose and God notices and cares about us.  But as her mom, I wonder how much her little body can take.  I wonder how much I can stand by and watch.

I asked Jeff if he thought this was really a virus we're dealing with...gut feeling.  What do you think?  His answer was what I'm most afraid of, but didn't even realize.  He said it really didn't matter, he just hopes fevers aren't a part of our new Abby.  Is she going to pick up every single thing now?  Is she going to struggle to fight them off? 

As always, I'm hoping to have a better day today.