Changes

Hannah moved back to school yesterday. It was bittersweet for all of us. She kissed Abby goodbye and had to go. It was so hard for me to tell her to say goodbye knowing it was probably for the last time. We all had heavy hearts leaving.

We decided to take everyone except Abby to move Hannah in. She rented a house this year with a roommate , so there was quite a bit of moving in to do. Grandparents kept Abby, and off to college we went. It was so busy there, and such a stark contrast to our home lately. There, life is moving on at breakneck speed. Kids are everywhere and it's excited and energized. Our house is quiet and what I hope is peaceful. I was overwhelmed with all the activity.

Hannah's place is cute, although small. It's good for her to have her own room and a little space this year. She's excited about her classes and being back. I'm happy for her. It was time for her to do something else. I just hope and pray she can push through and have a good year.

When Abby woke yesterday, I knew immediately that something had changed. Her breathing was slightly labored, her hands, feet, and face were swollen, and she was less responsive. I felt so torn leaving to move Hannah in, but decided to go. As the day went on the breathing evened out, but her feet remain swollen. She is far less responsive than she was even Saturday.

When we came home, she wanted to play with Sarah, but mostly slept through it. When I layed her down last night, she was taking two short breaths and then nothing for 12-15 seconds. I tried to breathe only when she did and felt starved for air. She seemed comfortable and peaceful though. I held her for three hours like that. I had to get up to shower (moving is sweaty business) and start TPN. I slept in her bed last night and surprisingly, slept well. Her breathing was much more regular by then.

As we suspected all along, the amount of pain medicine she needs to be comfortable makes her sleepy and changes her respiratory status. TPN is really irrelevant now.

Sarah and Emily start school on Monday, and again, I think this timing stinks. We've had all summer to focus solely on Abby. For weeks, she has been the center of the universe. Now the other children need to meet teachers and pick up schedules. We've had school shopping to do, and Abby is sicker everyday. Even if I had time to get the others settled in school and have each day to spend with Abby, it would be alright. She doesn't have that time, though. My feeble little human brain can't comprehend the how's and whys of now. But I still ask, why now?

I don't know, but I still believe there is a reason for everything.

There are many changes in our family everyday now. I'm not loving it.


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