Dream

I think everyone knew the Morphine pump would change things and it has.

Abby is definitely tired and more drugged. She does have better, much more consistent pain control. She still has pain, but it's not the same. Yesterday, they upped her overall dose to try to get it completely under control.

It is very hard to see her at this stage because we know her days with us are few now. Most of the time, I feel very peaceful about that. Thursday, Jeff and I looked at each other and knew the time stop TPN was near. It's still going for now, but her body is slowing down on it's own. Some mornings her breathing is different, then it evens out. She wakes up with a rattle in her chest. Sometimes her feet and face swell a little. The tummy sounds continue to be intermittent.

Everyone told us we would know when it was time. That didn't seem possible until we knew.

Thursday night, after the conversation about stopping I was exhausted. I fell asleep fast and hard. I had a dream that Abby was flying over lakes and creeks, and gorgeous green banks and landscapes. Everything was so beautiful. I was completely taken in by the joy in the experience. Then it suddenly hit me that she would hate that. She doesn't even like the tram into Disney. There is no way she would like to fly fast like that. Then I was sort of in her and could feel what she was feeling. I realized she could see. She was taking in all of the beautiful sights for the first time and she wasn't afraid. There was such peace in her that I instantly felt calm. There aren't human words for the overwhelming goodness of that feeling. She was so free and happy that I woke with tears in my eyes.

Of course I went to check on her and she was still okay, but I couldn't sleep after that. I kept thinking about how beautiful that experience was going to be for her.

Then I began thinking of the practical, physical details of death that had to be dealt with. Friends, there are many. One in particular is the Baclofen pump. Abby's alarm date on that is August 26th. Our appointment to fill it is August 23. She is very sick and may be too sick to go to the doctor then. We are trying to move her appointment up to early next week, but they only fill pumps on Thursday. That would mean keeping the TPN going until after that. Even if we stopped now, she could hang on until after the alarm date. That isn't a scenario I want to explore. We are still working on an early week appointment.

Then Hannah starts classes the 20th. I feel so bad that she will start school and then have to deal with the loss of her sister, then go back. I keep saying that I trusted God with the timing, and I have to trust Him with Hannah too. We talked to her about it to try to prepare her for a difficult situation, but I don't know if anyone can prepare for this.

The social worker encouraged us to have Hannah and Sarah write letters or select special items to put in with Abby after she passes. Both of them were in tears over the thought. We told them they didn't have to, but they could if they wanted. Their tears, above all else, breaks my heart. I shared my dream with them and spoke again about Heaven, but as Sarah aptly said "our house will be quiet without Abby, and I don't like that much quiet".

It's a very busy, difficult time here. But then there is peace too. Please keep praying for God's perfect timing and all of the details to work out.


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