Last

What do I say about today? I'm about to start Abby's last bag of TPN. We didn't get a delivery today. A box came from the pharmacy, and my heart jumped. For a minute I thought they made a mistake and sent it anyway, but it was just meds. In the beginning of this week, the doctor told us it was best to finish what we had here and let that be it.

I know how sick she is, but there just aren't words for how hard this is.

Look at your child smile. See that sweet face light up, and ask yourself if that one, that smile, is the one you could let go.

Because Abby has CP, and we have been faced with the possibility of losing her since day one, I think sometimes this seems easier or expected. I feel like I should be prepared in a way that those with typical children aren't. I'm not though. That little girl filled my heart the second I knew she was coming, and as challenging as life has been, she still fills my heart.

She is really suffering physically, her body is shutting down system by system, and I understand what's happening. She is dying, and there is nothing I can do to stop it, but there is this awful weight in my chest because this thing I don't want to happen is happening anyway. This very moment I'm in started 14 1/2 years ago when she was born. The minutes that her brain was without oxygen ultimately brought me to this day. This day, I have to know in my heart that I have loved her with everything I have, and hold her hand until she is home.

It hurts, physically hurts, to begin to say good bye. I don't know why I ever thought I could do this if the time came. Their entire lives I thought I would let go so they could be healed and whole in heaven. I thought there were worse things than death. I still think that's true, but those left to go on without them, I had not considered.

To top off all of it, Emily had a 103 fever last night. Today she was just sick. The pediatrician came by today and thought it was just a virus. She just went up to 102 again, so I'm not sure what to think.

As I said, the doctor came today and saw both girls. So sweet of her to make a house call. We made a few med adjustments, but overall, comfort is what we are still working towards.

I know we have a lot of people praying, and I appreciate that more than I can say. Please pray Emily stays out of the hospital too. I don't even want to think about that scenario.