Visiting Abby

Jeff, Emily, Sarah, and I headed up to the mountains today to put the butterfly from Abby's service at her grave.




It's surprising to me how much I wanted to be there. Just to be near the last place I saw her. I know that she is gone. Really, I know. I know that sitting at her grave doesn't make me any closer to her. I also don't care that it doesn't, because somehow I feel closer to her there. I wish I could live there and know that she's right outside my window.

Listening to those words float around my own brain feels ridiculous. I just can't help wanting to be where she is. Since I can't be in heaven with her, the next best thing seems to be the cemetery. I might not feel that way if it wasn't such a beautiful place. But, it really is beautiful.







Today, it was rainy and overcast. We almost didn't go, but Emily really wanted to see where Abby was, and we wanted to explain it to her better. She also wanted to see her grandma, who met us up there. So, we packed up the kids and dogs and went.

Jeff thought it would be a good idea to let Glory (the awful, mongrel, jaws-like puppy) run free where there was not traffic, on top of a mountain :/. That definitely disturbed the peace of our moments at Abby's grave, as he and Sarah trampled the mountainside for half an hour trying to catch the little bugger. She finally came back up the gravel road to the cemetery all by herself, having had a grand adventure. She looked quite pleased with herself. Jeff and Sarah eventually made their way back too, not nearly as pleased themselves. Needless to say, little miss Glory will continue to stay in puppy prison while out and about.

It was a long day, but good to go. As we left town, we stopped to get gas and saw this:








The pictures don't do it justice. It was a perfect rainbow. It reminded me that God is a God of healing and restoration. Even when it doesn't look the way we think it should, He is still there.

Even more precious to me, as He has my daughter in His care.

This is the video from Abby's memorial service.

I've watched it about 30 times today.  Some of those times, tears streamed down my face, the rest, I smiled at my child.  She sure is special!  

So many things

This may be a little long, but I'm trying to catch up. 

The weeks seem to go as quickly as they used to for me, but certainly not as sure as they used to. 

I was able to use a gift card my aunts gave me for my birthday (in March) for a massage and to get my nails done!  It was awesome.  Thanks ladies. :) I can't even remember the last time I was so pampered, or the last time I went anywhere it mattered if my nails were done or not. 

My super cool blue toenails :)

I did have a reason because Jeff and I took a weekend without the kids for the first time in about 7 years. We were invited to the I heart radio festival in Las Vegas. I've never been and thought it would be fun. I enjoyed being with Jeff, but not Vegas so much.

I Heart Radio Music Festival!

Time is a funny thing when you haven't had any in a long, long time.
I'm lost in this new life. I'm busy in very different ways, and I don't think I like it much. Everything I did with my time before Abby died was so important. My entire life for the last year and a half has been solely focused on keeping her alive and as comfortable as possible. There is nothing I will ever do again as important and meaningful as that was. Caring for her was an all consuming privilege and heartache.
 
So Vegas felt empty to me. Don't get me wrong, the hotel was gorgeous, the concerts mostly fun (lil wayne--really?), and time with Jeff...well, interesting. Even he has been on the back burner for so long, that I found myself looking at him critically. He was on my nerves a little, but I knew it was me, and the stress of the last months. It's going to take time to get used to each other when we don't live in a pressure cooker.  I did really try to just be quiet and enjoy our time, and I was able to do that for almost the whole trip...just being honest :)

Gorgeous stained glass ceiling in the lobby

me and my friend "statue"

The view from across the water

Guess which one is Jeff?

The hotel was all decked out for fall...so pretty

celebrating Monet in flowers

Vegas from the airport

Back to Vegas. We don't gamble, or drink more than a glass or two of wine, or smoke, or party, so it wasn't exactly my favorite place to be. Those things are just not us, and I felt like people seemed to fill their lives with such worthless things. Maybe they were having fun, but it looked like a whole lot of unhappy faces staring back at me.

Abby was a tough kid, and nothing was easy with her, but she lived her life with honesty and a smile, no matter what she endured. I think being somewhere so frivolous so soon after her death was hard for me, which sounds ungrateful, and I'm not. I just want to honor who she was in the choices that I make each day, and she never wasted a single second of life. If she could smile, she smiled. If she needed to scream, she screamed. It was always real, and those thoughts weigh heavily on me right now.

I'm trying to work through so many confusing feelings as we adjust to the loss of Abby in our everyday life.  I haven't kissed that sweet face in three whole weeks and there are constant twinges in my chest as I think of her everyday. I felt even more sad that she was gone last weekend as I walked through isle after isle and blocks of wasted time, energy, and money.  Not that there's anything wrong with having a little fun; maybe I just wasn't ready to be somewhere like that and maybe it's just not my idea of fun.   

I know I sound judgemental there, and I don't mean to be, but this is written from my perspective, and that was how I felt. 

Most people talk to us and feel like we're being very positive which is strange to say, considering how this post has gone so far.  I think for the most part, we are.  I have so much peace in knowing she is safe and free from pain.  I know that comes from God, and I am thankful.

Grief is not for the dead, but for the living, and I miss her so much.  I miss knowing what to do each day, even when I didn't know what to do.  Abby has kept us on our toes her whole life, and I just don't know how to be without her.  I don't really want to do anything.  I just want to stay home and feel sad.  I know that isn't healthy, so each day I try to do something. 

This week, I'm working on thank you notes, which is double sided too.  I couldn't feel more grateful for the support we've had since Abby died.  We are making a nice donation to Kidspath because of every one's generosity which makes me feel so thankful.  But with every word of thanks, the reality that she is gone sinks deeper in to my heart.  Thank you for remembering Abby...please keep remembering that she lived and was so special to us and carry her with you and do something good for someone and...we appreciate your kindness.  Writing those notes tells me in another way that, yes, your daughter died.  They also tell me that we are still able to do good because of her.

Emily, Sarah and Hannah are all doing alright.  Again, we miss her.  It seems that she was our family compass, and none of us are sure of our direction yet. 

I started a new bible study last week, which began in Isaiah.  I think I'm really going to like it.  I came across one of my favorite verses there, and I'll close with that and pray for God to do just that.

"See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland."
Isaiah 43:19 (niv)

Smell the roses

Abby's memorial service is over, and it was beautiful. It was wonderful celebrating her life with family and friends. The only glitch that bothered me was the message from our Florida pastor wouldn't load onto the computer at Grace. I'm going to post it for everyone to see. 

Besides that, it went as good as something so sad could go. We laughed and told Abby stories, and just enjoyed being with everyone. Some of our fabulous Florida friends were able to come, which made it a very special time for us. Overall, I felt like we honored Abigail.

Sunday was quiet as everyone headed out. We all missed Abby so much when the house was quiet and the looming deadline of the service was over.

The last two days were quiet without her too, and my heart just felt heavy. I miss her sweet smile so much, and then I saw that Emily and Sarah have an early day at school. Abby loved early days. In Florida, every Wednesday was early day, and every Tuesday Abby would squeal, just so delighted about it. When I read the note today, I did it like I always do, as if it's some huge announcement, and waited for the excitement. My heart sank as I was greeted with silence. Emily didn't really care, and Sarah had already left the room. That was solely an Abby moment. Even when she didn't go to school anymore she loved it. I missed her more in that one moment than I had all weekend.

Emily was a rock star at the memorial and after. We went back to the hotel that evening and hung out with family and friends. It was surreal to even be there. Abby would have never done that, so in nearly 15 years, Jeff and I haven't done that. Just relaxed and talked without working our butts off to keep kids happy. Emily loved her Mrs. Mary Beth being there, her friend Skyler came in town, which made her so happy, and my friends bought her a new kindle because hers broke (she threw the mother of all fits about that Friday night). She is enthralled with that thing, so she couldn't have been happier. Her family, friends, and the all-important electronic device made her weekend fabulous. She stayed through the entire memorial service, which I wasn't sure she would be able to handle. All in all...go Em!

She has been more emotional the last few days. She wakes up crying some, and doesn't quite know why. We feel like she misses Abby, like the rest of us do.

Now, I've managed to survive two whole weeks without my child.  I'm smelling the roses and I gotta say I don't like it much.  There's a reason people leave flowers at gravesides.  They are so beautiful, and I love them, but their sweet smell is just a reminder of the reason they are here.  Because she's not. 

I don't know how to go on without her.  I think we did so well at the memorial service, but as I suspected now that it's quiet, it's much harder.  We are just going on trying to adjust. 

We absolutely felt loved and loved on this weekend.  Thanks to all of you who made our celebration of Abby as special as it was. 

one week

One week ago today, we buried Abby.  It doesn't seem possible that it's been that long.  We all still feel like she's here. 

It's been busy, and not busy in really weird ways.  I'm preparing for the memorial service which is taking a lot of my time.  A whole lot of time.  I've been pouring over pictures of Abby for days.  I filled a slide show, and yet it barely scratches the surface of who she is.  She had 14 years of living, and that just doesn't fit in to a few minutes. 

Everyone else cries when they see the pictures. I can't really cry now.  I feel like I should, and I'm afraid I will at some awful, crazy time.  I just have to get through it, and I can't do that if I'm crying the whole time, but I still kind of feel like something is wrong with me. 

I went to church Sunday, and a lady that met Abby once, once, broke down in the parking lot when she heard.  I definitely think there is something wrong with me.  I patted her back sort of "there, there" style, and felt like I should be flipping out in a parking lot.  Instead, I got in the car and went home.  To my home without my baby. 

Jeff said we would have to run a marathon every day to use the energy it took us to care for Abby.  Even when she was well, she was always such a handful.  The house is eerily quiet with only two children.  I still wake up a lot at night like I had to when she was here.  I listen for her for a minute, then remember she's gone.  I try to go back to sleep, but usually can't.  I probably have more energy than I know what to do with, but I feel tired too. 

Emily has had a cold for several days.  That girl can't catch a break.  I guess it's the back to school crud, although, technically she was sick twice before she went back.  It might be stress lowering her immune system, so I started pumping her full of Echinasea.  A little snot nose is scaring me silly.  I am irrationally afraid of something happening to Emily.  I know she's fine, she's not even running a fever (I know this because I've checked 4,576 times).  I just have to chill out a little.  Mercy! 

We are all so sad that Abby is gone, but life is moving on like it never happened.  Like she never happened.  But she did.  She shaped us all and I'm not sure what shape we will be in without her. 

Her obituary ran today.  It was strange seeing it in black and white.  It made it feel more real than anything else has.  I didn't want to write it, but almost a week had gone by.  When I read it today, I realized I didn't include her birth date.  I wanted to edit it, but I knew yesterday that I just needed to send it.  There would always be more to say about her.  There always will be. 

http://obituaries.news-record.com/obituaries/news-record/obituary.aspx?n=abigail-grace-cushman&pid=159822172

I keep feeling like we have grace for only the moment we are in.  I can't look forward or back.  I'm focused on the weekend.  I can't wait to put my arms around friends and family coming to celebrate Abby.  I am so blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life.  I just can not look much further down the road for now. 

Please pray for me, as I still have so much to do.  I really shouldn't have written this post, but I wanted to.  Thanks for being there with through this.  We are incredibly grateful. 

Memorial Service

We are hanging in there. It's very busy as we're planning Abby's memorial service. That's a good thing. I don't want time to think about everything.

There is definitely a huge hole in our family. An Abby shaped hole that nothing else will ever quite fill.

We are all smothering Emily. She is laughing at us a little, but she almost seems to understand that we need to live in her a little extra. When it's too much, she yells at me. Love her.

All the girls went back to school today, and Jeff and I spent the day together. It was very strange. We haven't had 8 hours alone in about 3 years (seriously). We went to a movie and lunch. I still felt like I needed to rush home. I always have that feeling of needing to do something, and when it's not there, I only feel pain in my chest.

I did have peace today and for just a few minutes, could think of her in heaven. I'm so thankful she's there, but thinking about that too much reminds me she's not here. It's a lot to process.

Abby's service will be:
Saturday, September 15, 2012 at 2:00pm.
Grace Community Church
643 West Lee St., Geensboro, NC 27403

Abby loved color, so we ask that if you are able to attend, you wear your favorite color too. A sea of color will make her smile.







- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

A new day

Today has been strange. My whole family feels out of place. It's like Abby must still be here, and we just need to pick her up.

For the most part, we have spent the day quietly together. Jeff and I had a talk with Emily this morning and held her as she grieved her twin. I will never be able to imagine what this must feel like for her. She completely understood what I was saying, and knew that she wouldn't see her sister again on earth. She cried on and off for several hours. We held her, and ached with her.

Later in the day we took a walk at the last park Abby had been to. We talked about her and watched a butterfly flutter around us the whole time. Abby loved butterflies, so that was special to us. It was very sweet.

I feel like I just realized for the first time today what it's taken to keep abigail alive the last few months. The IVs, IV meds, and around the clock care. For a while, she had 4 ports running at a time. We returned 4 IV pumps-- that doesn't seem possible. I'm completely lost without so much to do. It feels like I'm always forgetting something.

She has been in heaven 44 hours. I can't even say I miss her so much, because it doesn't feel real enough to miss her. I'm scared that it will suddenly hit me and I won't know what to do. Now, it's the pain my children are in that is hurting. Their pain, my pain. It's like the world isn't quite right, but I can't let myself feel why yet. There is just a dull, constant ache.

We are working on memorial service plans, which is yet another reason to feel out of place. I don't want to memorialize my child. I want to put her on the school bus. I know how sick Abby was, but it always seemed like her strength and character were always greater than any illness. I still can't believe she's gone. All day yesterday, I had to keep putting my hand on her chest. I had to keep feeling for a heartbeat or a breath. She was still, though. All that made her the Abigail we love so much was in heaven. The funeral director said that heaven wouldn't be such a wonderful place without any children there. Maybe so.




We are thinking of September 15 for the memorial service, but that's not even close to a firm date. We needed to make a lot of calls today, but I just couldn't get through them yet. I started to write the obituary, and again, not yet.

I know that God will give us strength for each day and each task, so I'm taking my inability to get anything done today as Him giving us rest.

We have been asked many times about flowers, or donations. We are humbled by the love and support so many have shown us. We do have a PayPal account (abigail.cushman@yahoo.com) for her that we will purchase the flowers for her memorial service from, and then make a donation to kidspath in Abby's name. They have been an incredible support and I don't think I could have kept her home and comfortable without them.

I'm not sure how to move from day to day now. I only know that by God's grace I made it through this one.

...the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord. Job 1:21 (kjv)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

1/27/98-9/4/12

As most of you already know, Abby went to heaven peacefully at 2:30 am.

She really did fight the good fight. I am far too exhausted to go into detail tonight, but I will say that our prayers for peace were answered. She looked far better in death than she did her last two days of life.

We are all forever changed by this amazing girl.

We buried her this afternoon 3 hours from our home, so we have had a long, emotional day. The hardest thing I've ever done is leave my baby on that mountain. There's a lot I'd like to share, but not tonight. I am going to try to sleep tonight, and tomorrow begin planning her memorial.

Please pray particularly for Sarah. She is having a very hard time. We are telling Emily tomorrow.

Thank you all for prayer and support throughout this journey. It means more than you can know.




-

Day 8... I think?

Another long, hard day. I keep wondering how much of this any of us can take, but I am afraid of the answer. Hospice keeps telling me that she can't keep going like this, then she somehow does.

Again, today we gathered to say goodbye. She was so blue, her hands and feet were cold, and she was unresponsive. Her O2 sats were stayed in the 50s all day when they didn't drop in the 40s. Her breathing has changed more times than I can count and yet she's here sleeping beside me.

She is still blue, running a 104 fever, and breathing a little more regularly than earlier in the day. She hasn't responded much at all today, and she gets worse by the minute, but strong Abby hangs on. It is emotionally exhausting to go through this every day, and yet I'm so grateful for the time we have with her. It's all so complicated.

Last night Emily wanted to see Abby. It was precious, and yes, I cried the whole time. Emily was so happy to see her. She threw her arm around her and gave her hand little licky kisses. It was so sweet to see Emily loving on and comforting her twin. Abby didn't respond, but I could tell it meant so much to Emily. It meant so much to me too.








Sarah spent time rubbing Abby's head and loving on her. She built her a Lego box, and crammed all of Abby's favorite Legos in it. Again, so sweet.

Jeff, me, Maw Maw, and grandpa all were able to spend time with her today too. I try not speak for other people on this blog, but I'm sure we all appreciated having this precious time with Abby, as challenging as it has been.

Just keep praying for us all please. It's the hardest thing in the world. Pray that Abby wouldn't be afraid, that her fever would come down, and she would pass peacefully.

Another day

I keep writing so its not all so blurry to me later. Bear with me if I repeat myself post after post.

Every day is a huge range of emotions usually including heartbreak, guilt, hope, exasperation, confusion, joy, sadness and everything in between. This morning I woke to a new one.

Terror. I got up and knew Abby was warm, but she seemed so peaceful, I didn't want to bother her. About an hour later I checked her and she was hot. I checked her temp to see 105. I gave Tylenol, because her intestines don't work, I'm limited in what I can give. 20 minutes later she was 106.1. I tried cooling her down with cool cloths, but 20 minutes after that she was blue with a temp of 107. Panic doesn't come close to what I was feeling. Her skin literally blistered on the side she was laying on. I called the hospice nurse, who came right over. By the time she got there, her color had gone from blue to grey, and her temperature was slowly coming down.

Once she cooled off, she's been mostly stable. She doesn't respond much, but seems to make little eye movements if she wants something. Once or twice, she actually opened her eyes.

I had no idea this could go on so long. I am shocked everyday . I think when we finally ready to accept that this was our only choice left for Abby, we saw it as the kindest thing to do at this point. She was in horrible pain everyday. She couldn't recover and we just wanted to let her go peacefully and naturally. I don't feel like what we've experienced is either of those things. She does seem peaceful, but this process is not.

I have to go against every instinct I have as a mother every day. It's not a decision I made once and that was it. I desperately wanted to keep going, even when I knew it wasn't best for her. Every minute since we stopped TPN, I've desperately wanted to restart it. Each day I have to wake up with the resolve to continue to do the one thing on the planet I don't want to do. The longer it goes, the harder that is. Picking up my daughter burning with fever and simply holding her when I feel like I should be calling 911 doesn't even feel real.

I just keep praying that God would take her peacefully. I don't want to be horrified by fever or seizures or any other awful thing in her last breath. This morning, I just kept praying "not like this, please, not like this!". Then she hung on, and I thought yet again how selfish I am. I need to just let go, however that looks. I keep asking Abby why she can't let go so she won't hurt anymore, but it's painfully obvious where that comes from.

I've spent the evening back and forth between hymns and lullabye stations on Pandora while holding a very quiet Abigail. I'm not even sure what to pray for. I guess God already knows what we need.

Come back kid

Just a quick note to say Abby is hanging in there. I thought last night was it. She was breathing erratically, her chest was congested and she looked awful. I didn't think she could keep going like that. She probably couldn't, so her breathing evened out, she sounded pretty clear this morning and woke me up with a "ma" for more juice on a sponge. I know better than to count Abby out, but yet again she proved her point.

All in all, she didn't have a bad day. She was more alert than Friday, and answered us more consistently. Until just now, I felt peace today. Nights are harder. They are so quiet and long. I feel afraid that I'll wake up and she will be gone. I'm okay with her going peacefully in her sleep, just not with her going in general.

I kept thinking today of all the people that have loved her. Her grandparents, family, friends, church, teachers...really anyone that took the time to know her loves her. She is a remarkable girl. This planet just doesn't seem like it could ever be as bright a star without this one little girl on it.



-Abby surrounded by family Thursday; her 86 year old great grandmother sang "Jesus Loves Me" for her that day. Precious moments.