one week

One week ago today, we buried Abby.  It doesn't seem possible that it's been that long.  We all still feel like she's here. 

It's been busy, and not busy in really weird ways.  I'm preparing for the memorial service which is taking a lot of my time.  A whole lot of time.  I've been pouring over pictures of Abby for days.  I filled a slide show, and yet it barely scratches the surface of who she is.  She had 14 years of living, and that just doesn't fit in to a few minutes. 

Everyone else cries when they see the pictures. I can't really cry now.  I feel like I should, and I'm afraid I will at some awful, crazy time.  I just have to get through it, and I can't do that if I'm crying the whole time, but I still kind of feel like something is wrong with me. 

I went to church Sunday, and a lady that met Abby once, once, broke down in the parking lot when she heard.  I definitely think there is something wrong with me.  I patted her back sort of "there, there" style, and felt like I should be flipping out in a parking lot.  Instead, I got in the car and went home.  To my home without my baby. 

Jeff said we would have to run a marathon every day to use the energy it took us to care for Abby.  Even when she was well, she was always such a handful.  The house is eerily quiet with only two children.  I still wake up a lot at night like I had to when she was here.  I listen for her for a minute, then remember she's gone.  I try to go back to sleep, but usually can't.  I probably have more energy than I know what to do with, but I feel tired too. 

Emily has had a cold for several days.  That girl can't catch a break.  I guess it's the back to school crud, although, technically she was sick twice before she went back.  It might be stress lowering her immune system, so I started pumping her full of Echinasea.  A little snot nose is scaring me silly.  I am irrationally afraid of something happening to Emily.  I know she's fine, she's not even running a fever (I know this because I've checked 4,576 times).  I just have to chill out a little.  Mercy! 

We are all so sad that Abby is gone, but life is moving on like it never happened.  Like she never happened.  But she did.  She shaped us all and I'm not sure what shape we will be in without her. 

Her obituary ran today.  It was strange seeing it in black and white.  It made it feel more real than anything else has.  I didn't want to write it, but almost a week had gone by.  When I read it today, I realized I didn't include her birth date.  I wanted to edit it, but I knew yesterday that I just needed to send it.  There would always be more to say about her.  There always will be. 

http://obituaries.news-record.com/obituaries/news-record/obituary.aspx?n=abigail-grace-cushman&pid=159822172

I keep feeling like we have grace for only the moment we are in.  I can't look forward or back.  I'm focused on the weekend.  I can't wait to put my arms around friends and family coming to celebrate Abby.  I am so blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life.  I just can not look much further down the road for now. 

Please pray for me, as I still have so much to do.  I really shouldn't have written this post, but I wanted to.  Thanks for being there with through this.  We are incredibly grateful.