So many things

This may be a little long, but I'm trying to catch up. 

The weeks seem to go as quickly as they used to for me, but certainly not as sure as they used to. 

I was able to use a gift card my aunts gave me for my birthday (in March) for a massage and to get my nails done!  It was awesome.  Thanks ladies. :) I can't even remember the last time I was so pampered, or the last time I went anywhere it mattered if my nails were done or not. 

My super cool blue toenails :)

I did have a reason because Jeff and I took a weekend without the kids for the first time in about 7 years. We were invited to the I heart radio festival in Las Vegas. I've never been and thought it would be fun. I enjoyed being with Jeff, but not Vegas so much.

I Heart Radio Music Festival!

Time is a funny thing when you haven't had any in a long, long time.
I'm lost in this new life. I'm busy in very different ways, and I don't think I like it much. Everything I did with my time before Abby died was so important. My entire life for the last year and a half has been solely focused on keeping her alive and as comfortable as possible. There is nothing I will ever do again as important and meaningful as that was. Caring for her was an all consuming privilege and heartache.
 
So Vegas felt empty to me. Don't get me wrong, the hotel was gorgeous, the concerts mostly fun (lil wayne--really?), and time with Jeff...well, interesting. Even he has been on the back burner for so long, that I found myself looking at him critically. He was on my nerves a little, but I knew it was me, and the stress of the last months. It's going to take time to get used to each other when we don't live in a pressure cooker.  I did really try to just be quiet and enjoy our time, and I was able to do that for almost the whole trip...just being honest :)

Gorgeous stained glass ceiling in the lobby

me and my friend "statue"

The view from across the water

Guess which one is Jeff?

The hotel was all decked out for fall...so pretty

celebrating Monet in flowers

Vegas from the airport

Back to Vegas. We don't gamble, or drink more than a glass or two of wine, or smoke, or party, so it wasn't exactly my favorite place to be. Those things are just not us, and I felt like people seemed to fill their lives with such worthless things. Maybe they were having fun, but it looked like a whole lot of unhappy faces staring back at me.

Abby was a tough kid, and nothing was easy with her, but she lived her life with honesty and a smile, no matter what she endured. I think being somewhere so frivolous so soon after her death was hard for me, which sounds ungrateful, and I'm not. I just want to honor who she was in the choices that I make each day, and she never wasted a single second of life. If she could smile, she smiled. If she needed to scream, she screamed. It was always real, and those thoughts weigh heavily on me right now.

I'm trying to work through so many confusing feelings as we adjust to the loss of Abby in our everyday life.  I haven't kissed that sweet face in three whole weeks and there are constant twinges in my chest as I think of her everyday. I felt even more sad that she was gone last weekend as I walked through isle after isle and blocks of wasted time, energy, and money.  Not that there's anything wrong with having a little fun; maybe I just wasn't ready to be somewhere like that and maybe it's just not my idea of fun.   

I know I sound judgemental there, and I don't mean to be, but this is written from my perspective, and that was how I felt. 

Most people talk to us and feel like we're being very positive which is strange to say, considering how this post has gone so far.  I think for the most part, we are.  I have so much peace in knowing she is safe and free from pain.  I know that comes from God, and I am thankful.

Grief is not for the dead, but for the living, and I miss her so much.  I miss knowing what to do each day, even when I didn't know what to do.  Abby has kept us on our toes her whole life, and I just don't know how to be without her.  I don't really want to do anything.  I just want to stay home and feel sad.  I know that isn't healthy, so each day I try to do something. 

This week, I'm working on thank you notes, which is double sided too.  I couldn't feel more grateful for the support we've had since Abby died.  We are making a nice donation to Kidspath because of every one's generosity which makes me feel so thankful.  But with every word of thanks, the reality that she is gone sinks deeper in to my heart.  Thank you for remembering Abby...please keep remembering that she lived and was so special to us and carry her with you and do something good for someone and...we appreciate your kindness.  Writing those notes tells me in another way that, yes, your daughter died.  They also tell me that we are still able to do good because of her.

Emily, Sarah and Hannah are all doing alright.  Again, we miss her.  It seems that she was our family compass, and none of us are sure of our direction yet. 

I started a new bible study last week, which began in Isaiah.  I think I'm really going to like it.  I came across one of my favorite verses there, and I'll close with that and pray for God to do just that.

"See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland."
Isaiah 43:19 (niv)