For the most part, we have spent the day quietly together. Jeff and I had a talk with Emily this morning and held her as she grieved her twin. I will never be able to imagine what this must feel like for her. She completely understood what I was saying, and knew that she wouldn't see her sister again on earth. She cried on and off for several hours. We held her, and ached with her.
Later in the day we took a walk at the last park Abby had been to. We talked about her and watched a butterfly flutter around us the whole time. Abby loved butterflies, so that was special to us. It was very sweet.
I feel like I just realized for the first time today what it's taken to keep abigail alive the last few months. The IVs, IV meds, and around the clock care. For a while, she had 4 ports running at a time. We returned 4 IV pumps-- that doesn't seem possible. I'm completely lost without so much to do. It feels like I'm always forgetting something.
She has been in heaven 44 hours. I can't even say I miss her so much, because it doesn't feel real enough to miss her. I'm scared that it will suddenly hit me and I won't know what to do. Now, it's the pain my children are in that is hurting. Their pain, my pain. It's like the world isn't quite right, but I can't let myself feel why yet. There is just a dull, constant ache.
We are working on memorial service plans, which is yet another reason to feel out of place. I don't want to memorialize my child. I want to put her on the school bus. I know how sick Abby was, but it always seemed like her strength and character were always greater than any illness. I still can't believe she's gone. All day yesterday, I had to keep putting my hand on her chest. I had to keep feeling for a heartbeat or a breath. She was still, though. All that made her the Abigail we love so much was in heaven. The funeral director said that heaven wouldn't be such a wonderful place without any children there. Maybe so.
We are thinking of September 15 for the memorial service, but that's not even close to a firm date. We needed to make a lot of calls today, but I just couldn't get through them yet. I started to write the obituary, and again, not yet.
I know that God will give us strength for each day and each task, so I'm taking my inability to get anything done today as Him giving us rest.
We have been asked many times about flowers, or donations. We are humbled by the love and support so many have shown us. We do have a PayPal account (abigail.cushman@yahoo.com) for her that we will purchase the flowers for her memorial service from, and then make a donation to kidspath in Abby's name. They have been an incredible support and I don't think I could have kept her home and comfortable without them.
I'm not sure how to move from day to day now. I only know that by God's grace I made it through this one.
...the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord. Job 1:21 (kjv)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Andrea and family - I can't image what you all must be feeling and going through. Our thoughts and prayers are always with you! Rita H. and family
ReplyDelete