Aching

We are aching through this day. Abby is becoming unresponsive for longer periods of time. We took her outside for a few minutes this morning. It was sweet to have her out. She hasn't wanted to taste anything this afternoon at all.

I don't know how I thought this would go, but I'll say that generally its been awful. I don't want to do this, and every minute of every day I want to change my mind. I have to tell myself the story of what she's been through, and what she would continue to go through if we somehow were able to keep her going. I desperately want to pick her up and beg her to forgive me for not being able to fix this for her. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, on this planet worse than watching your child die.

If I only think of her, I know she'll be perfect and not in pain. I can't do that. I am completely surprised by how selfishly I love her. I want her here with me. I just want her here. There has been this abstract thought in my mind telling me she wasn't going to make it. There have been numerous tests and doctors telling me that her little body couldn't recover. I have seen her in pain, and with IVs and lines keeping her alive for a year and a half, and I still can not believe this is happening.

Can't I just scream STOP! Do over. Not this way. But it is this way, and when I trusted God with my life and hers, I trusted Him for this place I am in.  I trusted Him to have a plan greater than mine, and a place for Abby far greater than the place I am able to give her. 

As a mother, this breaks my heart.  I spent the evening with Jeff and I telling her stories of when she was born, and all the things we've done with her.  I told her about when I was carrying her and her little bottom planted itself under my ribcage and stayed there.  I spent months barely able to breathe.  Feels familiar. 

We told her of times in church, and at the beach, taking her to the mountains, and all the walks through the neighborhood.  We told her how much we love her.  And we do.  We always will.

We just put her to bed, praying for peace and angels to surround her. 

I called Pastor Keith and Nora tonight, to pray with me.  Such comfort there.  Thanks to them for being there for us, even on vacation.  There is nothing like a church family. 

There are also heavenly bodies and there are earthly bodies; but the splendor of the heavenly bodies is one kind, and the splendor of the earthly bodies is another. The sun has one kind of splendor, the moon another and the stars another; and star differs from star in splendor....

When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”  1 Corinthians 15:40-41,54 (niv)